#Neurodiversity and Boys

Neuro-of the brain 

Diversity-the state or fact of being diverse;difference,unlikeness

Yes, it’s true, I did not always understand or like boys. I grew up in an abusive household where boundaries and women were not respected so I came out of all of that very angry.

When I was twenty-five, I went to work as a Nanny for what came to be and still is, my real family-my family of choice-my adopted family. After about a week, I sat my friend Lori down and told her flat out that I was lost. I knew the rules I grew up with were wrong and not supportive of anything, so I asked her to teach me and show me, and she did. I owe Lori Kaplan so much!

Here are the most important things I learned from Lori that I applied as a Classroom Educator and use as a Coach now:

• Boys are not girls-they are loud, they are rough and they like to wrestle
• Boys are very simple. They are not complicated unless they are abused or neglected
• Boys need time to be rough and tumble and active
• Boys need unconditional Love

Probably the most important thing I learned is that boys need to have room to be who they are! Boys are loud, and gross, and make nasty sounds that they laugh about, and do gross things, and all of that.

Boys need plenty of outside time doing sports and having room to run around and be loud and scream and yell.

None of this is complicated information and yes, it applies to all boys-all of them. What frustrates me most are women who are parents to boys who just don’t get it. I have had clients that just don’t get that before they can change unwanted behaviours, they have to begin by doing the following:

• Get to know your boys! Learn from them-let them show you who are they, what they like and what they don’t like
• Love and accept them unconditionally! Until you do, you will never ever be able to make changes
• Know that there are going to be things that you will not be able to change and accept that
• if you want them to change, you have to start by changing you

Some of the ways we must change in order to help boys understand what they must change are:

• Expectations-when you have expectations, you have already lost. Open up and let them show you who they are
• Be really, really detached. Stop reacting to everything they say and do-all it will do is encourage what you don’t want
• Gain their respect! Support their interests! Ask them about the things that they love! You don’t have to understand it all, but they must know that you are on their side!

Stop reacting to the way they react to sports or each other. Yes-sometimes you have to physically separate them and sometimes, you need to let them go out in the backyard and be rough with each other!

Here are the boundaries I put in place for boys playing and roughhousing outside:

1. You are going to get roughed up and probably hurt a bit-of you choose to roughhouse do not complain or tell-you chose it
2. No punching or intentionally really hurting anyone
3. if things get too rough, no matter who starts it, everyone goes into time out to calm down

When boys are playing sports, help them learn boundaries by showing them, modeling for them the following:

• Do your best- it is not about winning
• Be a good sport and accept that sometimes we win, and sometimes we lose
• if someone is cheating repeatedly, walk away-you don’t need to play with people like that-and do not cheat! When you cheat, you are really cheating yourself and giving into ego
• Let them explore their interests and if one thing is obviously not for them, let them keep exploring and do not expect them to like what you like or want what you want because you like them. Let them find out what their passions are and support them!

If you are the mother of boys who are annoying and upsetting you, you need to take a long hard look at what is really upsetting you and change you first. Boys are not girls! They neither think nor act like girls, unless they do, in which case, they still need your unconditional Love and support as they discover their Fabulous Nature!

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